How I found myself again – My Postpartum Journey

Who had I become?

I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. Who was this frustrated, depressed, sleep-deprived monster? Who couldn’t hold it together for even an hour most days. Who yearned for sleep and separation from her children who she really did love. I didn’t like this version of myself. I needed help, but I was afraid of the shame and guilt that came with it. Thank God for blessing me with a loving, patient, and determined husband who pushed until I gave in.

Unfortunately, in both the Christian and mom circles, seeking help is shown as a sign of weakness and failure. I should be a better Christian and mother. I should be able to hold it together and live a peaceful and perfect existence with perfect and peaceful kids.

This is NOT reality! But too many moms and Christians believe the lies that this should be our reality. Then we fall deeper into the darkness of the tunnel and get completely lost with no signs of light anymore. This is a dark and scary place to be.

Finding Healing

I’ve dealt with some depression my whole life, but postpartum depression hit me hard after the birth of my second son. He had colic so sleep was hard to come by. I had a toddler that didn’t understand why suddenly he wasn’t get all of the attention. My husband was working at a difficult job that was giving him anxiety and other health issues. I was trying to take care of everyone plus work part time from home. PLUS the fun hormone roller coaster my body was on.

After a lot of prayers and prompting from my husband and mom, I went to see the doctor. It’s so sad to me how much shame I felt for even making the appointment. I hate Satan for making getting help with mental health still appear to be a sign of weakness or shame. If I had a physical issue after giving birth, no one would question it if I went to the doctor for help.

The doctor was so gracious and kind. He did not for a minute make me feel less than for needing help. He talked about how common it is for women and applauded me for getting help. Praise God for his kind and gentle heart!

I started antidepressants and once I got my dosage right, the light started to peak through the darkness and the fog began to clear. Slowly over a few weeks, I started to feel human again. I didn’t dread waking up every morning. I got to enjoy baby snuggles and toddler giggles. I was able to pray and hear the Lord’s voice again. It gave me back my life.

I started to finally feel like I wanted to do stuff again. Mainly stuff to take care of myself so I could properly take care of my family. I started exercising, eating better, and going out in public. I wanted to see friends and family again.

God, our Healer

God is amazing. He is all powerful. He is sovereign. And He is so so so good. He is our healer. I 100% believe He still miraculously heals people every day, from spiritual, emotional, and physical illness. I also believe He can use the resources He has given to us through doctors and medicine to heal us.

I can spend time beating myself up that I didn’t have enough faith or pray the right way for God to supernaturally heal me. Or I can choose to accept the healing He gave me through medicine and praise Him! I choose the latter because He didn’t create us for our short time on earth to beat ourselves up or constantly live in self defeat. He created us for abundant, full life through His Spirit where He shares every spiritual blessing with us even now on earth (Ephesians 1:3-8). He created us to have an intimate relationship with Him where we get to know and grow deeply in love with Him (1 John 4:16-17). And because of medicine for the first time in years, I feel like I can finally start hearing Him clearly, receive His grace and blessings, and be a part of serving His Kingdom again.

He didn’t stop loving me for seeking help. In fact He blessed it with providing me healing (Psalm 30:2). He is a loving Father, and He loves to give His children good gifts (Matthew 7:9-11; 1 John 3:1). So I receive His love and freedom He’s given me. And I encourage you to do the same.

Everyone’s journey to healing – whether physically, spiritually, or emotionally – will look different. Every person is unique created by a creative God, and He has a unique way of relating and bringing healing to all of us. Don’t ever let Satan make you feel shame or guilt for seeking help. You are loved and worthy of healing and freedom.