One Piece of Transformational Marriage Advice for Christians
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I am in no way a marriage expert, and I don’t claim to be one. But in our five short years of marriage, we have been through a lot. From endless moves (including an international one) to unexpected pregnancy to career changes (and back) to chronic illness (and much more), we have seen our share of ups and downs. While we haven’t always handled everything smoothly, we have discovered one thing that has brought our marriage more intimacy and love than any book or amount of time together could. This one piece of marriage advice for Christians has the power to completely transform your marriage from lukewarm to boiling.
The key to this piece of marriage advice is that it’s not about us at all. It’s not about communicating a certain way or spending “X” amount of time together everyday. While those things are important, I think they are secondary changes that will come naturally or more easily once you start doing this one thing every day. And that thing is praying with your spouse every single day.
Note: If you are in any kind of unhealthy abusive relationship (physical, spiritual, or emotional) then I encourage you to first seek professional help from a counselor or pastor.
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Why is Praying Important Marriage Advice for Christians?
As believers when we enter in the union of marriage, it’s not just between a man and a woman. It is between man, woman, and God. So why would we not include God in the day to day with our spouse? Your individual relationship with God is important because it is unique and yours, but your relationship with your husband and God is also important because it realigns your marriage to what it’s supposed to be all about.
The thing I do not understand is how little this is talked about. I don’t remember this piece of advice coming up during premarital counseling, advice from friends or family, or even talked about much in the church. I think this is probably because Satan does not want this to happen. He will always come up with excuses and reasons why this would not work for you and your spouse. His goal is to destroy these God centered relationships and families so he’s always prowling around seeking to kill and destroy (1 Peter 5:8, John 10:10).
Focusing on Prayer is the First Step to Fixing Other Problems
There is a lot of advice out there for marriage. How to fight, how to make up, how to encourage each other, how to show each other you love the other person. And it is all good. I do not want to negate this advice because it can and will be beneficial to marriage. But I think one of the best places to start is at the foot of the Throne – together.
When Kevin and I decided to start praying together, it took a couple weeks for it to become more normal and natural. We of course prayed separately and prayed for and encouraged each other, but something started to change as we started to make that time to pray together. Now I can’t go to sleep if we haven’t prayed together before bed. It is something I crave and need to be able to sleep peacefully.
We still have our problems like any couple! We are still living and battling the flesh, and unfortunately it wins out more than I’d like. But even if one of us is mad, we still pray together. It may be short and sweet or maybe just one person prays instead of both, but just a few minutes of prayer can soften my hardened heart and break my stubborn pride.
Coming together and bringing your pain, problems, and disappointments to the foot of the cross can break communication barriers, pride, and uncertainty. It can remind and realign your marriage to what it is meant to be – a reflection of the Gospel.
God’s Design for Marriage – a Reflection of the Gospel
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. – Ephesians 5:25-33
When you look at your marriage, do you see the Gospel?
It’s easy to read the above verses and put all the burden on the husband to love the wife perfectly the way Christ loves the church. While the husband may carry more of a load as our leader, it is not necessary that he feels this burden alone. As wives we are called to submit to and respect our husbands. When you are being submissive and respectful, how much easier is it to love you?
We should not place unrealistic expectations on our husbands to love us perfectly because they are also still battling in the flesh. We were created to be our husband’s helpmate (Genesis 2:18). How are we helping point our husbands back to Christ so that he can faithfully and obediently lead, serve, and love our families?
Christ loves His church (us) perfectly all the time. But we don’t get to experience the full extent of that love if we are not submitting and respecting the Lord. It is the same with our relationship with our husbands except that our husbands can’t love us perfectly because they are still in the flesh. We don’t get to experience the full extent of our husband’s love for us if we are in a battle against them all the time.
When you pray together you can start seeing your spouse for the saint that they are in Christ and encourage and support them in the unique role God has given them for marriage. You are also reminded of your own imperfections especially within the marriage relationship. It can open up many wonderful conversations and healing opportunities.
The very best book I have ever read about marriage reflecting the Gospel is You and Me by Francis Chan. If you have not read it yet, please check it out. My husband and I read each chapter individually then would chat about what we read. They also have a workbook you can do individually or together with your spouse.
Why don’t we all strive to love our spouses the way that Christ loves us? Not only will it bring health to your marriage, it will also be a way in which your life will beautifully display the Gospel to non-believers.
Tips for How to Pray Together
You may be thinking you have no idea where to get started to pray with your spouse. That’s OK!! It is not as hard and complicated as you may feel it should be. Something as simple as a few minutes is a great place to start.
1 – Pick a time to do it and stick to it
What worked best for me and my husband was to pray right before bed. We always have gotten in bed at the same time so it worked out perfectly for us to pray together as soon as we got into bed before watching bedtime tv or reading. Maybe you and your husband go to bed at different times, that’s ok!
Think through your day. What is one time you could both set aside to pray together?
Maybe it’s first thing in the morning because you wake up at the same time. Or maybe it’s at a meal time where you could take 5 minutes together before enjoying your meal. I do encourage it to be a time alone with just you and your husband. No children or other distractions.
2 – Both of you take a turn
I highly encourage this not be a one sided prayer, meaning just you or your husband. Every night, my husband starts off the prayer and I finish it off. Some nights when one of us is sick (or angry) just one of us will pray. But this is the exception not the rule.
It may not be comfortable for you to pray out loud in front of anyone, even your husband. Pray through this fear and be bold! Just pray how you would pray normally but out loud. The more you do it, the more comfortable it will become.
3 – Pray what’s on your heart
Don’t worry about saying the “right things” or praying a certain way, that’s not what this is about. It’s about you being open and vulnerable with your spouse and the Lord. Pray what’s on your heart no matter how silly it may sound. That’s the only way you’ll start to experience more intimacy.
God doesn’t expect perfection, and I’m sure neither does your husband. God wants your heart, all of you. He wants to hear everything you have to say even if it’s anger or selfishness. Through being open and expressing all your feelings and thoughts, God will start to work on those areas to bring healing, and once your spouse knows these areas of struggle they can start encouraging you in them.
4 – Don’t worry about how long you pray for
This is not about big long expansive prayers. Start out small. If you each only have one minute of stuff to pray, that’s ok. It’s starting somewhere. The more you do it, the more comfortable you get, and the longer it will become. You’re not trying to set any kind of records or anything.
This is a time for you, your husband, and the Lord to connect. It’s not for any other purpose. Use this time how you see fit would benefit your marriage and your connection with the Lord most wisely.
What if your Husband will not Participate?
Do not give up. It’s ok if your husband doesn’t jump on board the first time you mention it. Some people are very private or not in a place spiritually where they feel like they can do it. If your husband will not get upset, some gentle encouragement may help nudge him in the right direction. This is not something to condemn your husband about or pressure him into doing. If you are both not equally on board, you will not see fruit.
If your husband is just dead set against it, start praying for it to happen. Over time God will work on softening his heart and opening him up to the opportunity. I believe this is something God delights in and desires to see happen in every marriage. It may take some time, but don’t give up on God. Stay faithful in prayer, and He will hear and answer.
If your husband is not a believer, then the same is true. Pray for him. Stay faithful in prayer for him. Don’t doubt God’s goodness and love for your husband and family. God loves your husband more than you ever could so He is working and moving whether you can see it or not. Prayerfully serve and encourage your husband in the Lord, and allow God to work and move within him.
Remember you cannot change any person, only God can. So don’t get frustrated with that person if they don’t do things according to your expectations. God is working something through both of you in the waiting and uncertainty.
Conclusion
The truth of the matter is praying can strengthen and encourage your marriage if you will take the intentional time every day to do it together. But this is not a magic pill that will fix everything instantly. It does bring your marriage back into the design it was supposed to be – with God involved everyday.
I pray that you can find hope, encouragement, and healing through beginning to pray with your spouse everyday.
What is your one piece of marriage advice that has transformed your marriage?
